All this events happened in exactly 3 weeks I wrote everything in my notebook and I know is part of my thoughts. A event that makes me go apart of being myself.
3/6
4 or 5 months than I dont write in this page. Thinking Im ok but guess what I dont. I living the worst semester than I ever lived. All because holding may positions at the same time and the worst of all, they not accept this type of excuse. I fell in a depresion and I cant tell anyone because they take it as a excuse. I dont want to think is a bad decision taking 5 classes but listen everyone Im not repent. Im not ok and they dont understand my pain.
They not understand Im still a student.
They not understand than I got homework
They not understand I need more time to do5 proyects and deliver on time.
No one help me
Althought give me time to do it
I must to do that plus chores and one of my proyects are left behind
I JU57 W4N7 50M30N3
But who cares he never coming...never...
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I 41M057 K155 50M30N3
My frustration came again and Icant concentrate of this short time and man ...someone declare to me and I got the chance my chance but Icant take it I dont have the support of my elders. Maybe Im burning and is because of all my mixed emotions but the thing is ...no. I feel decay and I must be a little selfish just keep going on college.
3/7
The sun is shining again but I hurt someone's heart. He declare to me but I refuse. This is my chance a chance to get out of this "solo" situation. A chance to share things. A chance to have a better future not matter how, when or what he looks like.
But is risky
I could risk my family by oposition and my testimony
We are different I think of repeating the same scene and today... I make him cry.
Im so sorry for that
Im a complicated person.
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I need to pray
If I try again for the third time
Did I feel the same?
Did I feel something like that
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I feeling hot or is fever or is my nerves or is about this morning
3/8
Dear:
I wish I could open my heart for you and tell you all the cons between you and me. But the big ting is Im christian and your not. Because of that I cant be with you. Other thing is my parents but the most is myself. I dont going to risk it, risking our friendship and I want time to think if I really like yoi. But I only see you as a friend.
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What I going to o?
What gonna happen after I tell you this?
Can I use this on my favor or not?
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I made a letter
Hope he understands
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I tell the truth, I send the letter nad this week is getting amazing. I still holding my heart becuse it beats so fast. At leat Im alive, almost 3 years than I dont feel like this before. I can see like this a peaceful...But it cant be I told him why (But I dont see a crush I see more than that and is my fear but Im glad he understands)
3/9
Since yesterday I cant eat right. What is going on? I take two or three bites and my stomach says "Please no more" I simply cant eat.
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Is good to share things is good take distances once in a while and be the same with everyone. Be more responsible with everyone.
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3/10 3/11 3/12
What going to say about this weekend: STRESSFULL
I left him behing because of a proyect I was making, when I finished my elder gets slow and I gate late to the open house Im glad my elders see my stuff but Im still sad. I wrote a message for a apology but thank God he understands. My stomach aches a lot and for the first time I feeling this, I eat and my stomach hurts and I cant eat anymore. The more I think the more pain I get and everything since wednesday. 12 hour every weekend and I must to letf behing a lot of details. I going to pray and then I write about this miracle I believe this will perform.
3/13
We got a second contact
But nothing happened. But somehow my elders is figurating out what I up to because I didnt say nothing to them. I keep lying to them. God he has so beutifull feelings the feelings I always dream about. But I cant enter in his heart and he show his love to the worng girl: Me.
I told you last night and I tell you again please make this petition from you daughter, not a ordinary prayer. I know you can hear me and see my thoughts before printing (typing ) on this paper. You have the last word
Show the girl who deservs those precious feelings not me I cant have it, my elders doesnt want me to take this step. Im going to fall in a depression of reject something than I want to do...but I CANT
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8:03 am
While we talking I did a favor I change the perspective of the friendship so Idid it (you guys know) It is a sin or a opportunity. We get surprised he doesnt move and I get out of the lab as fast as I could to cry upstairs. I feeling guilty I not suppose to do this even to a friend of mine.
3/14 3/15
Is good when you share with someone but I didnt declare official, we keeping this as a secret (until now) but I never see him so happy but when I get home it feels like hell (not for real). Keeping this away of my elders even my sis is suspecting. And after that moment it was repeated over and over again. But the camp was arriving and the theme strike my heart:
I must to stop this despite all the beautifull things happened lately. Lets have a standby...please. I must admit it is a peacefull bond and very different comparing with the failures I got before. Maybe I gonna have another...But is my decision and I going to put on challenge starting to change the perception of my elders. Who can have vision, and he love God just I want to meet him more. I hope he come to my church next Sunday and he can receive a impact from my Lord to him.
3/16
Sadly I feel like a sinner, he doesnt have a interesnt in me as a christian I know he doesnt going to church. But hearing the message in the camp I know than I desesperate a lot and I did a huge mistake I fell in the templation.
3/17
In other words I broke with him. I was desesperate to talk to him and say I dont want to start a relationship with you, I discuss and he understands, I feel relieved at last I feel free
3/18
I confess to my elders and I disoppoint them a lot, my elder (male) feel pain and the other gets mad and she thinks if I sleep with__________ whatever it never happen Thanks to God. I tell everything and I tell them about the alert and the promise. But I fell depress because of the deception I made to my elders.
3/19
I confront him and I let him know all the stuff happened. I figurate out than he is not good enough for me and I almost fall in a bad decision, I apologize for what happen a week ago but who care I give hi what he always wanted: my heart.
3/23
He start to talk to me on FB my sister is in FB I tell him Im busy, my sister yelled at him on my wall because I say something true. He was quiet and he talks to me at my inbox. I ask him "Can you do a favor for me?" he says "Yes?" I respond "Honestly I need distance." I know this looks like a knife striking his heart and I know this hurts him but everyone want me to do it and sadly so do I. My half is not you ________ God reserved to me but I must to keep waiting . When I say this he says: "Ok I leave you then, take care " My sister and I celebrate althought I hurt someone very badly.
Today I block him so he cant wrote to me on every page. I hope you understand Im not you girl but Im glad I make those days the best. You are alive and you must to keep alive but Im not you girl please understand that.
Could is true of fiction. I resume the mayority of this thoughs and the persons who are in this situation but I tell you something it happens. Please pray everyday to not fall in templation please meet the person completely before open your heart to that person. Follow my advise -Gospel
